Let's talk about Virginity!

What comes to mind when you think of the term virginity?

     

Our American society has given us numerous ambiguous definitions…

Dictionary.com:

Urbandictionary.com: 

     The above websites both offer very different perspectives of the term, clearly showing that there is no existing explicit definition. Dictionary.com provides the "safer" definitions that represent the most widely accepted and used explanations of the word. But looking at urbandictionary.com, a site aimed to providing current popular cultural views of words, you can immediately see differences. These "definitions" have been submitted by users and represent the most popular of the site. You can note the numbers of "thumbs-up" and "thumbs-down" in response to each of them. 

     Where do these multiple definitions come from? How has our culture facilitated these explanations? I personally have trouble defining the word myself- and after looking at the definitions above am left more in confusion. The first definition by urbandictionary implies differences in the value of virginity between males and females- a culturally implemented view. All women are proud to have their virginity but men are ashamed of it? To me this just doesn't make any sense. This makes it seem that your virginity is something that defines you as a person, which it clearly does due to our country's sexual scripts, but what's frustrating is the fact that that this is even the case! When has having sex become something to be proud or ashamed of, and why has that come to mean something different for women and men? The second definition offers an entirely contrasting view, which I also have some serious problems with. This definition says that virginity is rare, "believing in morality and true love"- so does that mean that people who have lost their virginity don't believe in morality and true love? This same definition implies virginity is associated with self-contol and presence of mind-- WHAT?! I feel like this insinuates that if a person loses their virginity and acts on their sexual desires that self-control has been lost, which is definitely not the case. Is this reflective of our views as a country regarding sexuality and being sexually expressive? The third most popular definition is short, but says a lot. Is virginity a big issue or a little issue? I would certainly say it isn't a little issue if there are so many different views regarding virginity.

     Losing your virginty can be one of life's most significant moments, never to be forgotten. These first sexual experiences certainly can vary across gender, orientation, and are entirely contextual. In today's society, losing your virginity has become a stigmatized rite of passage- a seemingly necessary component of growing up "normally" and in synchrony with the rest of one's peers. Sure, our  country has become more open to sexuality but clearly there is still this stigma attached to virginity that generates these definitions.

     I want to know what you guys think! How would you personally define virginity and what it means to be a virgin? What do you think about and how did you react to the definitions provided above? How then, does being or not being a virgin influence relationships? 

                                                                                                                        - Jared G. 

Picture reference:

http://blog.foodnetwork.com/healthyeats/2012/02/15/three-red-foods-you-should-be-eating/

     

     

         

Consent 101

By Ashley W.

        I had a friend ask me once "even if you’re in a relationship already, you don’t have to have sex with them if you don’t want to right?”

Her question floored me.

“Of course you don’t!” I told her.

       Along with my other friend we talked about how consent was needed at all times, at any stage of the relationship. Also, how she shouldn't do anything she wasn't comfortable with or anything she didn't give her express consent to. I was relieved that we cleared the issue up with her but it got me thinking: how many other girls, or boys, out there thought that being in a relationship assumed that meant around-the-clock permission for sexual activities?


        Let’s take it back a step and familiarize ourselves with consent through the Consent is Sexy Campaign. Consent is Sexy is a Sexual Rights Awareness campaign targeted towards students in High School, Colleges, and Universities. It promotes the awareness and practice of consent, responsible, safer sex, and sexual health.

• Consent to have sex is when both people agree to have sex. But it's not just allowing something, or giving permission - it's knowing that you both really want and desire each other.
• Consent should be mutually agreed upon: with a clear understanding of what is being asked for and consented to. If you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy - ask first.
• Touching someone's breasts, genitals or buttocks without their consent is sexual assault. So is making someone touch you. Any form of sexual activity with another person without her or his consent is sexual assault.
• Consent should be freely given: it should never be coerced, be forced, involve pressure, intimidation or threats.
• Consent must never be assumed or implied, even if you're in a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you always have consent to have sex with your partner. Intimate partner rape, date rape and acquaintance rape are the most common forms of rape.

• It's always OK to say No. Consent may be withdrawn at any time, and when it is withdrawn all sexual activity must stop immediately.
• If you do not ask for Consent, you are at risk of doing something the other person doesn't want you to do.  You are also at risk of breaking the law and facing criminal charges.

 Although it is easy to inform people what is consent, let's take a look at what is not consent. 

• Silence, or not responding - is not consent. The absence of a No does not mean Yes ... no answer does not mean Consent can be assumed.
• Lack of physical resistance does not mean Consent can be assumed. Someone threatened with violence, or intimidated psychologically, may be too fearful to resist.
• A Yes is not Consent when someone is coerced, pressured, or afraid of how their partner might react to a No response:  "I'm not sure if I'm ready"  "I don't know if I want to"  "I think I've had too much to drink"  "I don't want to get AIDS"  "I'm scared"  - all of these statements must be taken as meaning No.

• Confused or unclear communication is not Consent. Sometimes we may think we mean one thing when we are actually saying something else. Typical examples that are not asking for Consent for sex are:

       "Want to go back to my place?"  (consent only to go to your place)
       "Should we get it on?"  (unclear what activity is intended)

• Someone who is intoxicated from alcohol or drugs, voluntarily and involuntarily, or who is unconscious or asleep, unaware, or otherwise helpless, is not capable of giving Consent. Someone may be responsible for being drunk, or high, but they are not responsible for being sexually assaulted.
• Someone who is under-age is legally incapable of giving Consent. It is the responsibility of the person asking for Consent to be aware of the legal age of Consent for their state or country.
• A sexy dress is not consent. Someone may dress or behave in a sexy or provocative way - but dress or behavior should not be confused with Consent. Dress or behavior is not a legal argument for sexually assault.

        These are general truths and guidelines. As you can see, Consent is loaded with serious physical, emotional, sexual, and legal repercussions if not acted out safely, properly, and respectfully. There are some people out there however who may not be aware of this. What do you guys think? Why do people have the notion that being in a relationship, of any kind, means their consent is always assumed or implied? 

For more information about The Consent is Sexy Campaign please visit: http://www.consentissexy.net/

Sources:

Consent is Sexy
Image from The New School: Sexual Assault Prevention