By Ashley W.
I had a friend ask me once "even if you’re in a relationship already, you don’t have to have sex with them if you don’t want to right?”
Her question floored me.
“Of course you don’t!” I told her.
Along with my other friend we talked about how consent was needed at all times, at any stage of the relationship. Also, how she shouldn't do anything she wasn't comfortable with or anything she didn't give her express consent to. I was relieved that we cleared the issue up with her but it got me thinking: how many other girls, or boys, out there thought that being in a relationship assumed that meant around-the-clock permission for sexual activities?
Let’s take it back a step and familiarize ourselves with consent through the Consent is Sexy Campaign.
- Consent to have sex is when both people agree to have sex. But it's not just allowing something, or giving permission - it's knowing that you both really want and desire each other.
- Consent should be mutually agreed upon: with a clear understanding of what is being asked for and consented to. If you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy - ask first.
- Touching someone's breasts, genitals or buttocks without their consent is sexual assault. So is making someone touch you. Any form of sexual activity with another person without her or his consent is sexual assault.
- Consent should be freely given: it should never be coerced, be forced, involve pressure, intimidation or threats.
- Consent must never be assumed or implied, even if you're in a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean that you always have consent to have sex with your partner. Intimate partner rape, date rape and acquaintance rape are the most common forms of rape.
- It's always OK to say No. Consent may be withdrawn at any time, and when it is withdrawn all sexual activity must stop immediately.
- If you do not ask for Consent, you are at risk of doing something the other person doesn't want you to do. You are also at risk of breaking the law and facing criminal charges.
Although it is easy to inform people what is consent, let's take a look at what is not consent.
- Silence, or not responding - is not consent. The absence of a No does not mean Yes ... no answer does not mean Consent can be assumed.
- Lack of physical resistance does not mean Consent can be assumed. Someone threatened with violence, or intimidated psychologically, may be too fearful to resist.
- A Yes is not Consent when someone is coerced, pressured, or afraid of how their partner might react to a No response: "I'm not sure if I'm ready" "I don't know if I want to" "I think I've had too much to drink" "I don't want to get AIDS" "I'm scared" - all of these statements must be taken as meaning No.
- Confused or unclear communication is not Consent. Sometimes we may think we mean one thing when we are actually saying something else. Typical examples that are not asking for Consent for sex are:
"Want to go back to my place?" (consent only to go to your place)
"Should we get it on?" (unclear what activity is intended)
"Should we get it on?" (unclear what activity is intended)
- Someone who is intoxicated from alcohol or drugs, voluntarily and involuntarily, or who is unconscious or asleep, unaware, or otherwise helpless, is not capable of giving Consent. Someone may be responsible for being drunk, or high, but they are not responsible for being sexually assaulted.
- Someone who is under-age is legally incapable of giving Consent. It is the responsibility of the person asking for Consent to be aware of the legal age of Consent for their state or country.
- A sexy dress is not consent. Someone may dress or behave in a sexy or provocative way - but dress or behavior should not be confused with Consent. Dress or behavior is not a legal argument for sexually assault.
These are general truths and guidelines. As you can see, Consent is loaded with serious physical, emotional, sexual, and legal repercussions if not acted out safely, properly, and respectfully. There are some people out there however who may not be aware of this. What do you guys think? Why do people have the notion that being in a relationship, of any kind, means their consent is always assumed or implied?
For more information about The Consent is Sexy Campaign please visit: http://www.consentissexy.net/
Sources:
Consent is definitely a tricky subject. First and foremost, I think a lot of the confusion lies within the fact that people just aren't as educated about it as we'd like to think they are. For example, is the fact of the matter that people in a relationship assume their partner has given consent, or rather that a partner has trouble saying no? Lets face it-- telling someone you care about or have feelings for to stop is not an easy thing to do. I think that for a lot of couples, once again, the root of the matter lies within the communication factor.
ReplyDeleteSome couples feel that it can be a little awkward, or unnecessary to specifically ask for consent. Unfortunately for them, the only way to get consent is through good communication. So, the couple just has to reach the level of comfort where they can explicitly ask for consent every time. I think that another large problem that college students have with consent pertains to intoxication. If two people want to have sex with each other, but at least one of them is intoxicated, then they cannot have sex. As I assume is obvious, not everybody follows this. However, knowledge about what qualifies as consent would doubtfully end intoxicated sex.
ReplyDelete-Charlie D.
I am very much in agreement that a lack of education and communication are problematic. I also think that many viewers are misinformed and mislead by one of our generation's greatest sources of information on sexuality: the media. TV shows and movies that incorporate sexual activity are more focused on entertainment and rarely ever depict couples talking about having sex. Let's face it, we'd all change the channel if Jack and Jill were getting it on but Jack paused and asked Jill, "Do you want to have sex?" and Jack was cool with Jill declining.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I am surprised (and saddened) that we are still even talking about what consent is.To me, it seems straightforward and logical. I guess I personally have had a lot of education about consent, and to me it just seems like common sense: no means no, everything except yes means no. Frankly, consent should be a non-issue. Yet for some reason, it is. Rape in all its forms and contexts still happens. Where did we as a society go wrong? Where did people get the CRAZY UNBELIEVABLY INSANE NOTION that someone has the right to have sexual contact with someone who does not feel the same way? How did we get to the point where a college's welcome week has to be focused on defining consent with a group of naive 18-year-olds who have never heard that word before?
ReplyDeleteDon't take this as "we all know what consent is, let's just stop talking about it already!" Because, clearly, we don't all know what consent is, so we cannot just stop talking about it already. But in my opinion, we as a society really should all know what consent is, because honestly, it boils down to common decency to fellow human beings.
I think what's the most unsettling is consent in relation to drugs and alcohol. These are both substances that inebriate a person's functioning, and therefore a person affected by any of these substance is not able to give consent. Even if they say they want to engage in sexual activities while under the influence. This is not consent. Alcohol literally slows down the firing of neurons and impairs multiple functions. I think a lot of us know a friend or someone who has regretted their actions the night before or said something along the lines of, "What was I thinking?". I understand that this can be confusing for certain people, but it's one of the main consent issues that really scares me. I think that a lot of people assume that consent is automatic when they're in a relationship maybe because of the level of comfort they have with their partner? Or maybe it's a control issue? Maybe it also has a lot to do with how relationships are portrayed in the media? Like the stereotypical idea of men, or the "dominant" having the power to make the decisions in the relationship...
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely a scary subject and I agree that teaching this is extremely important at all ages.
I have to agree with what Grace said in that it's really sad people need to be continuously reminded that consent needs to be achieved at every moment in sexual activity. I think the granted assumption that couples think they know enough about each other that individuals just know what their significant other wants even though not said out loud is the main cause if this silence. It seems some have yet to realize that this is one of the turning points where miscommunication starts and cause fall outs in relationships.
ReplyDelete- Myung C.
I think another tricky area of consent is when both parties are inebriated (which I feel could be a common case). As Louise said, these substances impair your judgement. Not only the person who agrees to have sex, but the person who asks to have sex. It only becomes more difficult when you consider how alcohol in particular is used as 'social lubricant' and 'liquid courage'. Our media really does not provide many examples of two drunk people realizing that they have no consensual way to have sex.
ReplyDelete-Joey E.