Talk to your Partner about Sex!

By Charlie D.

             Communication fuels healthy relationships, but let’s talk about something a little less obvious. Actually, you and your partner should talk about something a little less obvious; what you like in bed. Openly discussing sex can improve a relationship in ways that regular communication alone cannot. The fairly recent study, “The Specific Importance of Communicating about Sex to Couples’ Sexual and Overall Relationship Satisfaction”, did some interesting work on more than just everything their title implies. Unfortunately, they only studied 101 couples, but what makes this study unique is also what legitimizes its findings. This study compares its wide range of data in different ways, granting it the scope of several earlier studies, with which it is consistent. Said differently, aspects of this recent study’s findings are consistent with the projections of earlier studies that do not relate variables in such comprehensive ways.

            A main focus of the recent research was to determine if communication about sex can improve both sexual, and basic, satisfaction in a way that ordinary communication cannot. As it turns out, it can! Talking specifically about sex can allow the partners to enhance sexual interactions, and this can create a higher overall level of satisfaction with the relationship itself. Although sexual communication can add to a relationship in a way that ordinary conversations alone cannot, this should not be taken to mean that sexual conversations can serve in place of ordinary communication. Conversation can be essential to a healthy relationship, and this study is not intended to say that sexual conversations can make up for the lack of other aspects to a relationship. However, even a great relationship can be improved by beginning to talk about sex.

            It is understandable to have reservations about opening up such a topic. Perhaps part of what can make the discussion so rewarding is how rare sexual discussions can be. Also, people are hesitant about opening the floor to such a topic because of the risks involved. Sharing one’s sexual likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. can make someone feel vulnerable in a way that is unique from ordinary conversation. So let’s get into some ways of working through this.

            Although this study focused on open verbal discussion about sex, nonverbal communication can be a good place to start. One can often gain a good feel for a partner’s likes by how heavily he or she is breathing, holding, and grabbing. Unfortunately, it can be easy to mistake something for positive reinforcement. Moreover, there are always questions such as, “what didn’t my partner like” and “what would my partner like that I have not tried?” Nonverbal communication about sex can be powerful, but easy to misinterpret.

            After getting a good idea of one or two things that a partner likes, keep it in mind for once you spark the conversation. Beginning the discussion is the tricky part. One of the less risky ways to start the conversation could be to comment on something sexual that you like, but pick something that is not too explicit. For example, it might be good to say, “You could probably tell, but I loved it when you kissed my neck”, or “I loved how tight you held me.” There might be some things that you prefer to do, but you are not sure if your partner is enjoying them too. If the conversation progresses, then use it as a chance to find out if you should keep doing those things. Try asking “Is there anything that I should keep doing, or that you’d want me to try?” Your partner probably will not comment on everything, so you have a few options. You can go ahead and take the advice to the bedroom by replacing what you are unsure of with what your partner wants to try. If you feel comfortable continuing the conversation, it might be more mutually beneficial to follow up the last question by asking, “how about when I…?” Remember that you do not have to cover everything the first time that you bring it up.

            Make sure to put some forethought into how you would like the conversation to go. Hopefully, this can help you to both gradually gain a level of comfort, sexual satisfaction, and nonsexual satisfaction. Would you want to take this step in your relationship, and how would you go about doing it?

“The Specific Importance of Communicating about Sex to Couples’ Sexual and Overall Relationship Satisfaction” can be found at: http://spr.sagepub.com/content/28/5/591.full.pdf+html